The State of the Universe Address, 2006

"Friends, minions, applaudobots! Giblets is humbled by your shameless abasement before him. Bow before his resplendent humility! Bow before it NOOOOW!The state of the universe is mighty! Freedom is on the march, especially in places like Iraq and Palestine. Their recent elections have proven once again that freedom is a photogenic spectacle involving smiling brown people with ink-stained digits. Kudos, Iraq and Palestine! You are a credit to purple-fingered invasion mascots everywhere! But freedom cannot rest easy because terror is on the rise, especially in places like Iraq and Palestine. Their recent elections have elevated violent right-wing radicals to power who support terrorists and death squads. You're dead to me, Iraq and Palestine! And after all the Iraqis we blew up to set you free! The only solution is to reinvade our own invasion of Iraq to free freedom from itself! Giblets hereby redeclares Operation Reliberationization! There can be no end but redevictory.There are those of you who have said that Giblets doesn't have a plan for victory. Well Giblets has a plan, and his plan is to tell you that you don't have a plan, because your plan was to point out that Giblets didn't have a plan before Giblets went and implemented his plan - which totally would've worked if Giblets actually had a plan! Being right is not a plan! Being wrong with resolve is a plan!Behold! To Giblets's right is the family of an unborn embryonic soldier recently killed in Iraq whose stem cells were kidnapped by gay married terrorists to be used in the creation of an animal-human hybrid. One day we will win this war and we will win it for him. And on that day he will rise from the dead and receive a health savings account!Remember the Maine! Fifty-four-forty or fight! Reduce, reuse, recycle!Under Giblets's rulership you are safer and more secure than ever before. But enemies are everywhere and they are seconds away from killing you with their laser breath! Giblets can protect you, but first he needs warrantless wiretaps, the line item veto, the mystic hammer of Thor, and none but the comeliest of virgins to be hurled into the fiery maw of the volcano god N'gothu, lest his gorge rise and consume us all!Witness! To Giblets's left is an American flag which has used its tax cuts to make a bipartisan commission for its starving family of ethanol subsidies. Would you take all that away by letting isolationist courts tax the Jesus fetus? Never! Because history is written in courage, and courage will remember us in the future how we were today: pandering, desperate and barely coherent!Freedom is on the march! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! God bless this great nation!"

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