Defining Moments

As I said, I’ve been in Vilnius for the last few days, participating at one Bureau meeting of the European Youth Forum. I don’t normally write about this kind of meetings because they’re very likely to be absolutely uninteresting to the vast majority of my readers. This time I will make an exception because it was a special meeting. First of all, because it went very well and therefore we managed to combine hard work and enjoying the hospitality of our Lithuanian friends – especially our President, who put a big effort in making everyone enjoy our time there, including a sauna/jacuzzi session after the meeting was over; but also because the Bureau took unanimously the decision to acknowledge my work by inviting me to think of prolonging my contract with the European Youth Forum. This decision makes me very happy! Not only because it is nice to see my effort being acknowledged, but especially because it means that my colleagues are happy with its results. I am totally aware that this unprecedented decision is also recognition of the work of my Secretariat colleagues, as I believe that the success of a manager always relies on his/her team, and in that sense I also feel proud and happy for them. However, I don’t know if they will all share my happiness… Those who know me also know that I’m not the popular kind of manager… but even if some of them don’t share my happiness, I will still be happy for them! Now, I will have until the end of August to make a decision… a difficult decision… In one hand, I feel very tempted to stay, as I enjoy a lot my work and the people whom I work with. I also have to confess that the vanity of being the first person to do two terms as Secretary General of the European Youth Forum and the possibility to definitely put behind my back the events that surrounded my first appointment contribute a great deal to this temptation. And, last but not the least, I also feel that I owe something to the people who trusted and supported me and I know that I would deceive some of them if I would step back and decided to leave now. And I hate to deceive the people who like me. But, on the other hand, I’m also afraid… afraid of keep missing my son, his growing process, his conquests and problems… afraid of somehow losing him forever… I’m also afraid of not being able to cope with the expectations of people who trust me, both personally and professionally… afraid of disappointing them… afraid of not enjoying the second term as much as I’ve been enjoying the first one so far… and afraid of continuity being the easiest choice… afraid of while taking the easiest way, finding out that it leads only to postpone, for two more years, the big question: what do I want to do afterwards?
I’ve promised both to myself and to my beloved ones that I will take my time to think as deeply and seriously as I can; to get the closest possible to the right choice; and to reach a decision based on a consensus amongst my cold rational brain and my confused and emotional heart. Whatever decision I take, it will anyway take into consideration, apart from my deep will, the opinions and advices and also the feelings of others. Because if there’s something I’ve learned throughout my life is that the others are the ones who make us meaningful.